Do you need experts to tell you that it is OK to Lie?

We are doing it all the time and still, we need the assurance that ethically and morally, there is nothing wrong with it? I am talking about lying spontaneously, lying on the go, and lying without giving it a second consideration. It has become imperative to our daily existence. Just the other day I found my wife hiding on WhatsApp. I couldn't be more surprised - why would anyone try to camouflage oneself on something as free and miscellaneous as this social communication platform? Because there are some people out there, toxic thought carriers whom you don't want to overwhelm your sense of calmness on some days, at least on days when Life already seems to be going in a tizzy. So, are there any morality calculators out there that can define when it is OK to lie? 

Is it okay to lie, sometimes? The recent spate of events is sufficient proof that I have to lie, I have to make up stories, and more often than not it is not even for my benefit. I have to lie that I need to be excused earlier because there are things that need to be handled at home but essentially, the conversations are so damn boring - hanging around would have only meant more of myself and less of being a good participant in social situations. I have to create weird conversational backdrops for my father every time I want to buy something new for him - being honest would mean not doing some very basic things for an aging parent.

This recent article mentions that "Lying is often socially motivated" and features opinions from experts like Christian L. Hart [a researcher in lying and deception!], and he concludes that on most occasions people don't lie for "direct gains". This is true across most social situations. The intent that brings about lying should indeed be the only parameter to judge - white lie vs dishonest lying. The latter is more of a cover-up. The former is chosen because the absolute truth would perhaps do more damage. Therefore, lying in many situations is mathematically and logically the only choice.

Sometimes, lying is perhaps the only choice! I believe that couples lie a lot to spare hurting each other's feelings. Just consider finding your partner extremely tense with things at the office and the inability to adjust to overnight parenting. In this situation, would you want to pull up all the facts verbatim when you realize that a few things are bound to do more emotional damage and the compensation could mean a few days of being inconspicuously quiet and perhaps unwarranted arguments? But there is a downside to lying repeatedly and I have realized this over the last few years. If you keep doing it habitually, even for the best reasons, it turns into a hard-to-break pattern.

Very quickly, it can transform into a habit that comes out of nowhere because unconsciously, we are driven to opt for the easier option. Being alert enough to modify your reply and put in some not-entirely-true facts on a client call might be necessary to come through as an industry expert but lying for the sake of just shirking responsibility at the workplace is the exact opposite of what can be described as Lying for Good. Similarly, someone abused at home, in a marriage, or within a family, trying to cover up the physical and verbal assault with lies is something no expert will preach. On the contrary, being 'surprised' despite being aware of the 'surprise' birthday party equates to doing a good thing - the cause stands justified!

Is lying occasionally the same as staying mum when you ought to say something? Also, you might want to note that staying silent when you should communicate is not the same as lying. Many folks believe that someone intentionally silent on matters that should get an opinion at least also doubles up as a serial liar - that is not the case! People who choose to be silent are either too passive, trying to avoid a confrontation, or are anxious about what will happen if they too join the conversation. They are not twisting the facts but instead, giving up on the chance to voice their opinion or share their perspective or just choosing to stay lost in the backdrop and not be highlighted - none of which is the same as when you say things that are not true.

The experts keep concluding it is okay to lie sometimes but be careful! You shouldn't be feeling proud if you have been lying to your partner or a close friend for a long time. You should not pat your back for the creativity you bring to everyday lies - that is not an achievement. The downside of being found out that you have been lying too casually can kill relationships. This is why I tend to put all my cards on the table once a few days have passed to ensure that the 'record' stays clean. At some level. this also lessens the burden am carrying because I do carry a bit. Every time I am weaving stories, at some level I am also adding layers to the baggage and that is also your big reality check...if you have become that comfortable at doing it all the time, you are perhaps getting addicted to it, you might want to stop and reconsider - is it still OK to lie?